The most difficult task in life is to understand someone’s behavior. At times there are so many facets attached to a person’s personality that even if you spend a life time with them you’ll still be left with eons to discover am just a little confused with the ways events take place in our lives. At times things just happen out of the blue the other times things just won’t work out no matter how many chances you take. Seems that even god has scheduled things with a certain target. The way he deals with a million situations when we have no way out and the way he puts us into them. Don’t know where I can find an answer to all such questions. No spiritual guru can answer my strange questions of course. They are so contradictory…. The moment I’m near to finding an answer to my questions the same unforeseen events take place changing my complete perceptions and in the end am left with absolutely nothing. There is no one I know I can look up to.
There are moments when you feel that you come in terms with life and the other moment you are so near to death that the meaning of the word life changes.
All my life I took life for granted and I still do! Every night I go off to sleep I assume that I have to wake up d next morning. So it’s a have to have to kind of a thing. As if living a life means doing a favor to god; but lately things changed again bringing me so near to death one day that the next day meant living a new life all over again. It feels good to live when otherwise I see people dying every other day. There are times when I really get scared, of death, of losing my loved ones, and I cry. I can’t stop the moments or change the course of life and I feel so helpless. Yet I find solace in that one sentence that my parents instilled in my mind that everything happens for good and that everything has a meaning. I only start finding new meanings and I come up with so many.
Bleeding heart drinks tears of pain, cries every moment lives life in vain. Keeps looking for a moment of solitude where it could escape the ravages of this world. No friend by its side no soul it wants to call its own.
I’ve almost given up, don’t want to seek any more answers and I don’t thing if anyone will be able to explain it all to me so I leave them here…. Why do people leave or why do we want them to stay with us forever. Why won’t we stop expecting things out of life and when will we stop cursing god for all the wrongs that happen to us. Things that perturb me so much may not be important to a million. I’m a futile thinker and would still keep thinking come what may, will still come up with many arbitrary time spending questions of which I wont have an answer nor will any one else.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
LIFE II
CONTRADICTION ON LIFE II……..
Nobody is perfect yet we jeer at those we find inferior to us for whatever the reason may be… life becomes so ironical den when we despite knowing our incompetence’s mock at people, make their fun. I have done that myself many a times and I still do it at times deliberately only coz I want to wound their ego’s and satisfy mine; but d problem lies in d fact that I end up feeling more guilty every time, much more than before, then looking back at the years gone by I can only see d chasm between who I was and what I’ve become but that’s k…all of us change and so have I; but there r still people I can’t take and though I know I am not competing against them yet at times I laugh at our hollowness…We r so shallow deep down, trying to be what we aren’t at times only because we are trying to be a little different. Most of us are so confused that I guess we r walking with fake identities in our hands and every time we get a chance we just mould ourselves according to d situation that we r in…. The only identity I can identify with is that of a writer though not a serious one yet someone who can express herself and all that I can juggle with is words and I love them so much… at times writing a thought provoking thing gives me peace dat none other can bring.
Our moral science books have instilled it in our minds that we should accept our friends despite d differences yet when it comes to choosing a friend we make sure he/ she is perfect. The moral science books taught us everything on such a superficial level or perhaps all of us are born with this innate quality of choosing a mate according to our needs and we could never condition ourselves since our childhood. But I don’t belong to that race not that I’m perfect just that I have so much experience of dealing with so many kinds that I know. Probably that’s why I understand a lot of people and their intentions much before they act out themselves. I have an answer for everybody but only because I am supposed not to act out primitive in this sophisticated world I can’t shout it out aloud or make them hear my silence. These are times I act inert, times I go back to my shell and nothing or nobody can break it. Time to take a break!
Life has its own plans and like Shakespeare said” life is a stage and all of us playing our roles” I guess we are playing them too well… and all of us get the feedbacks also right here some mock at us and some love us…..and again I am left with another contradiction, perhaps that’s how things work and I guess it’ll always be like this, we’ll always chose out of the crowd the one that suits us the best like some designer dress that fascinates us for a while.
But why am I even writing it here it doesn’t make any sense, does it???
Nobody is perfect yet we jeer at those we find inferior to us for whatever the reason may be… life becomes so ironical den when we despite knowing our incompetence’s mock at people, make their fun. I have done that myself many a times and I still do it at times deliberately only coz I want to wound their ego’s and satisfy mine; but d problem lies in d fact that I end up feeling more guilty every time, much more than before, then looking back at the years gone by I can only see d chasm between who I was and what I’ve become but that’s k…all of us change and so have I; but there r still people I can’t take and though I know I am not competing against them yet at times I laugh at our hollowness…We r so shallow deep down, trying to be what we aren’t at times only because we are trying to be a little different. Most of us are so confused that I guess we r walking with fake identities in our hands and every time we get a chance we just mould ourselves according to d situation that we r in…. The only identity I can identify with is that of a writer though not a serious one yet someone who can express herself and all that I can juggle with is words and I love them so much… at times writing a thought provoking thing gives me peace dat none other can bring.
Our moral science books have instilled it in our minds that we should accept our friends despite d differences yet when it comes to choosing a friend we make sure he/ she is perfect. The moral science books taught us everything on such a superficial level or perhaps all of us are born with this innate quality of choosing a mate according to our needs and we could never condition ourselves since our childhood. But I don’t belong to that race not that I’m perfect just that I have so much experience of dealing with so many kinds that I know. Probably that’s why I understand a lot of people and their intentions much before they act out themselves. I have an answer for everybody but only because I am supposed not to act out primitive in this sophisticated world I can’t shout it out aloud or make them hear my silence. These are times I act inert, times I go back to my shell and nothing or nobody can break it. Time to take a break!
Life has its own plans and like Shakespeare said” life is a stage and all of us playing our roles” I guess we are playing them too well… and all of us get the feedbacks also right here some mock at us and some love us…..and again I am left with another contradiction, perhaps that’s how things work and I guess it’ll always be like this, we’ll always chose out of the crowd the one that suits us the best like some designer dress that fascinates us for a while.
But why am I even writing it here it doesn’t make any sense, does it???
LIFE III
TRYST WITH DESTINY.....
I look at the blank page and I feel that I have nothing fresh to pen down; and some are born with the same blank fate as this page some we see everyday and ignore at the same time. We look through them as if they don’t exist at all, life again!! Life is so full of ironies that everyday I discover a new irony n then ponder over it for a while n then stop thinking bout it ‘cause there is nothing much that I can do.
This page is dedicated to all those who don’t know how to read and write those who will never have an access to this page; in fact these people can’t differentiate words from numbers. All that they can do is slog themselves in the scorching heat, carry load like a donkey and never even by mistake have the pleasure of a roof above their head. Like wanderers they keep roaming from one place to the other in search of a living. Still I want to write about them because, I feel guilty every time I put a morsel of food in my mouth in front of them; but at the same time I feel I am so lucky.
I worked with the street kids for almost a year in an NGO and it was such an awakening experience, I grew up with those kids in more than one way, I started accepting them and in the same way they too started liking me. What I observed in each one of them was that they took more time in opening up than I did, and when they did each one of them had a different tale of misery. They had so much to say, and so many stories to tell, every learning experience came as a shock to me. Some were abused, some were forced into begging, some had no idea of the whereabouts of their parents and some were forced into motherhood. That’s the dark side of life that we try to ignore most of our lives. All that we do is call them names and abuse them. Treat them like dust but why???
There is nothing to write in which will do well to people. No one will ever get anything reading my article and all that I wonder is that how many years will it take me to reach the target that I have set for myself. How many more years will I take to help those I want to. I feel sad when I see them begging, and I still don’t give them a penny, don’t know if I should! Can no one change their destiny or will they always beg? Sleeping on the road in a chilling winter night is not something that we can do; we are exposed to so many comforts in life and we get so use to them that we despise the fate less. We look down at them and they curse us. I guess that’s the order but why can’t we change it??
I really hope that some day all of us realize that there is more to living than living for ourselves. Can’t we just look at the kids like they were our own; say a word or two of kindness that will bring a smile to their face? They don’t want our pity but love.
Smile at them, hold their hand …..Walk with them for a while and you will realize you were living a pseudo life. They’ll teach you what most of the books won’t. they are the survivors, they’ll teach you how to live!!
I look at the blank page and I feel that I have nothing fresh to pen down; and some are born with the same blank fate as this page some we see everyday and ignore at the same time. We look through them as if they don’t exist at all, life again!! Life is so full of ironies that everyday I discover a new irony n then ponder over it for a while n then stop thinking bout it ‘cause there is nothing much that I can do.
This page is dedicated to all those who don’t know how to read and write those who will never have an access to this page; in fact these people can’t differentiate words from numbers. All that they can do is slog themselves in the scorching heat, carry load like a donkey and never even by mistake have the pleasure of a roof above their head. Like wanderers they keep roaming from one place to the other in search of a living. Still I want to write about them because, I feel guilty every time I put a morsel of food in my mouth in front of them; but at the same time I feel I am so lucky.
I worked with the street kids for almost a year in an NGO and it was such an awakening experience, I grew up with those kids in more than one way, I started accepting them and in the same way they too started liking me. What I observed in each one of them was that they took more time in opening up than I did, and when they did each one of them had a different tale of misery. They had so much to say, and so many stories to tell, every learning experience came as a shock to me. Some were abused, some were forced into begging, some had no idea of the whereabouts of their parents and some were forced into motherhood. That’s the dark side of life that we try to ignore most of our lives. All that we do is call them names and abuse them. Treat them like dust but why???
There is nothing to write in which will do well to people. No one will ever get anything reading my article and all that I wonder is that how many years will it take me to reach the target that I have set for myself. How many more years will I take to help those I want to. I feel sad when I see them begging, and I still don’t give them a penny, don’t know if I should! Can no one change their destiny or will they always beg? Sleeping on the road in a chilling winter night is not something that we can do; we are exposed to so many comforts in life and we get so use to them that we despise the fate less. We look down at them and they curse us. I guess that’s the order but why can’t we change it??
I really hope that some day all of us realize that there is more to living than living for ourselves. Can’t we just look at the kids like they were our own; say a word or two of kindness that will bring a smile to their face? They don’t want our pity but love.
Smile at them, hold their hand …..Walk with them for a while and you will realize you were living a pseudo life. They’ll teach you what most of the books won’t. they are the survivors, they’ll teach you how to live!!
LIFE IV
Incomprehensible
Is this again an order of the universe that people would keep acting funny come what may?? They don’t understand a lot of things and they expect you to tell them everything all the time… CRAP!! I don’t buy that people can act so ignorant; they of course understand but then who wants to make it obvious. I’ve said a million things a million times; a million things ignored all this while. I’ve had enough of it all and I’m giving it away…. I’m done! No more telling them and no more explaining my actions.
Time to act inert and time I hibernate for a while. The more importance you give to them, the more they ignore you. N it’s not that the whole world would do this, but only those you love!
They proclaim their love for you maybe they do but then why do they have to hurt you all the time; they may say it’s not done deliberately but most o the time it is the case and u cant do anything coz u have nothing to prove to them. Love comes with its own unconditional aspects…. Bullshit!! Where is it that, there are no conditions?? U talk about letting your loved ones go away… it’s like, if they loved you they’ll come back and if they don’t they never were yours ….. How many of us readily accept our loss?? If it’s the love that we seek and we know that we found a friend as well as a lover for life in that love, how many of us readily give up?? In fact how many of us are ready to wait….
There are so many times people take you for granted, especially those you love. Friends most of the times are more important than love. Fuck it ya!! I’m so off today, and I can’t help it… I’m still trying to understand why people can’t make the right choices, why do they have to be so confused, why can’t they understand what they want out of life? It actually smothers me deep down when I face it all the time.
Today I again want to be left all alone… don’t want any one…. Uff have had enough of diplomacy and enough of sugar coated tablets. Want some time for my dreams n my non existent world that doesn’t hurt me as much as these people I call my own. Lately there hasn’t been a day when my heart didn’t cry, and it’s all been my fault, my id took over me…
Is this again an order of the universe that people would keep acting funny come what may?? They don’t understand a lot of things and they expect you to tell them everything all the time… CRAP!! I don’t buy that people can act so ignorant; they of course understand but then who wants to make it obvious. I’ve said a million things a million times; a million things ignored all this while. I’ve had enough of it all and I’m giving it away…. I’m done! No more telling them and no more explaining my actions.
Time to act inert and time I hibernate for a while. The more importance you give to them, the more they ignore you. N it’s not that the whole world would do this, but only those you love!
They proclaim their love for you maybe they do but then why do they have to hurt you all the time; they may say it’s not done deliberately but most o the time it is the case and u cant do anything coz u have nothing to prove to them. Love comes with its own unconditional aspects…. Bullshit!! Where is it that, there are no conditions?? U talk about letting your loved ones go away… it’s like, if they loved you they’ll come back and if they don’t they never were yours ….. How many of us readily accept our loss?? If it’s the love that we seek and we know that we found a friend as well as a lover for life in that love, how many of us readily give up?? In fact how many of us are ready to wait….
There are so many times people take you for granted, especially those you love. Friends most of the times are more important than love. Fuck it ya!! I’m so off today, and I can’t help it… I’m still trying to understand why people can’t make the right choices, why do they have to be so confused, why can’t they understand what they want out of life? It actually smothers me deep down when I face it all the time.
Today I again want to be left all alone… don’t want any one…. Uff have had enough of diplomacy and enough of sugar coated tablets. Want some time for my dreams n my non existent world that doesn’t hurt me as much as these people I call my own. Lately there hasn’t been a day when my heart didn’t cry, and it’s all been my fault, my id took over me…
THE MONSTER
She is there right there, where u left her,
Her heart still broken,
Mind ill at ease….
I smile at her n she wanes away.
She disappears behind the thick clouds of insecurity.
I try to speak to her and she shuns me away,
She runs and hides herself.
And she keeps talking about some monster..
It seems she has lost it for good
She is distressed I can see
And as she tells me the tales of her misery
She feels I would also not believe.
What she won’t understand,
Is that we share the same proximity.
I know the monster she is so scared of,
I know what he has done and,
I believe that he exists,
Coz I was in his seize once
I chose to walk off but I guess,
She stayed too long…
He’ll know when he reads this,
With no shame on his face,
While she’ll take ages to,
Get over this despicable phase.
Her heart still broken,
Mind ill at ease….
I smile at her n she wanes away.
She disappears behind the thick clouds of insecurity.
I try to speak to her and she shuns me away,
She runs and hides herself.
And she keeps talking about some monster..
It seems she has lost it for good
She is distressed I can see
And as she tells me the tales of her misery
She feels I would also not believe.
What she won’t understand,
Is that we share the same proximity.
I know the monster she is so scared of,
I know what he has done and,
I believe that he exists,
Coz I was in his seize once
I chose to walk off but I guess,
She stayed too long…
He’ll know when he reads this,
With no shame on his face,
While she’ll take ages to,
Get over this despicable phase.
I Will Not Be Broken!!
There is always a day in the fortnight when you know it’s just not yours! You may go against the odds, or do whatever you can to make it seem worth living but still it’ll be so poignant that you’ll start doubting yourself. But that is ‘one’ day, you have to live through it, you have to make choices and stick to them. No matter how worse the outcome is you still have to smile ‘cause that is life. You don’t stop living ‘cause some one thinks you’re not worth it or you don’t stop breathing if some one literally chokes you to death.
Well this was something written by me for me. Imagine I am trying to soothe myself. I am going through things and I am trying really hard to be strong. There are times when I just want to walk out of the door to never come back again. There are times when I so want to scream out aloud and tell everyone that they aren’t right. And they are trying to make that one day an integral part of my life by recreating it again and again and it becomes impossible for me.
Still I won’t give in to anything or anyone! I’ll stay alive and I wont let it affect me in anyway, it is sort of a pledge but I wrote it here so that I can see it almost everyday and know that I’ll be able to cope with just anything in my life.
Well this was something written by me for me. Imagine I am trying to soothe myself. I am going through things and I am trying really hard to be strong. There are times when I just want to walk out of the door to never come back again. There are times when I so want to scream out aloud and tell everyone that they aren’t right. And they are trying to make that one day an integral part of my life by recreating it again and again and it becomes impossible for me.
Still I won’t give in to anything or anyone! I’ll stay alive and I wont let it affect me in anyway, it is sort of a pledge but I wrote it here so that I can see it almost everyday and know that I’ll be able to cope with just anything in my life.
Nemesis in a friend
If I am a little better, I will do it all over again,
It may sound funny to you, but it will save me the pain.
The pain of knowing a friend backstabbed me
Is too much to carry to the grave,
But before I am dead I’ll substantiate
You were not at all my mate!
I’ll just turn back the clock
Will go back take a walk,
Find out the wrongs that I did,
All the times I didn’t live…..
But don’t you fucking judge me,
Because, I know that I am not wrong
I may have made mistakes doesn’t mean
I have to suffer for so long
I was acting smart like most of you
And unlike you, I bared it all
You saved yourself
You hid it well
I was imprudent thus bid farewell
I wasn’t me,
And you weren’t you
We were not friends
But lord knows what?
I did have flaws and you liked me more
Gave you enough reasons to not get bored
We took our chances
And I lost at most
Now it doesn’t surprise me
Why u were always so composed
I expected more,
Maybe a little hug
And what you gave me,
Was a rancorous curse…..
It lingered on…..
And it made me weak,
The same thought everyday,
‘Why did you leave?’
I thought I made mistakes,
But today I know,
I was guilty for nothing
It wasn’t my fault.
Today I feel relieved
I wont have to know you
Today I am happy
Because I have the answers,
Today I am free and I can live
Without guilt or remorse
Because today I only lost a nemesis in a friend
The one I don’t need!!!
It may sound funny to you, but it will save me the pain.
The pain of knowing a friend backstabbed me
Is too much to carry to the grave,
But before I am dead I’ll substantiate
You were not at all my mate!
I’ll just turn back the clock
Will go back take a walk,
Find out the wrongs that I did,
All the times I didn’t live…..
But don’t you fucking judge me,
Because, I know that I am not wrong
I may have made mistakes doesn’t mean
I have to suffer for so long
I was acting smart like most of you
And unlike you, I bared it all
You saved yourself
You hid it well
I was imprudent thus bid farewell
I wasn’t me,
And you weren’t you
We were not friends
But lord knows what?
I did have flaws and you liked me more
Gave you enough reasons to not get bored
We took our chances
And I lost at most
Now it doesn’t surprise me
Why u were always so composed
I expected more,
Maybe a little hug
And what you gave me,
Was a rancorous curse…..
It lingered on…..
And it made me weak,
The same thought everyday,
‘Why did you leave?’
I thought I made mistakes,
But today I know,
I was guilty for nothing
It wasn’t my fault.
Today I feel relieved
I wont have to know you
Today I am happy
Because I have the answers,
Today I am free and I can live
Without guilt or remorse
Because today I only lost a nemesis in a friend
The one I don’t need!!!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The little girl in a green skirt....and the gate that once was!!!
It’s been only a few days that I confessed about this thing to someone very important to me and now i will let the world see glimpses of what i once saw as a kid.... i saw her, the little girl and only yesterday i confessed about the green skirt that i forgot way back.....
In psychology most of the things about us in the present have a strong connection back to the time when we were kids. Thus i assume till y’day there was a part of me that was absolutely dead but i let my heart open for the first time unexpectedly and said it all. I say a dozen things everyday that don’t affect me and what i spoke about, the other day was absolutely beyond my understanding, something totally unplanned something absolutely ridiculous but something that once was, that once happened. This is a kind of thank you note to people then and people today......
So the story goes back into the time when I was a little kid. I knew of a girl who had come to live near my grand ma’s place. She was a total loner someone with no friends all that she had was her grandparents. Her parents were away for a while and i really don’t remember her telling me she ever missed them but today i assume she did. I remember, she strolled around the big house all alone in the evenings and she never opened up in front of anyone. I saw her almost every day but she neither cried nor tried. She wasn’t at all mature yet there was something that made her different from the rest of the kids.
Then there came a day when all the kids were celebrating holi in the neighbourhood everybody had colour all over their bodies, everyone was laughing yet this little girl, absolutely clean, was swinging on the gate that made weird noises. She kept looking at everyone around and she had a smile on her face. Nobody knew but she was enjoying something... then one of the kids from the neighbourhood asked her if she wanted to play with them and then she said “it’s my b’day”. She had wanted a little celebration; after all she was a little kid. For the first time in ages she had missed her parents yet she didn’t tell a soul, she kept it all to herself and she didn’t know if she had to cry aloud to belch it out. She saw the drama and then went back inside the house and sat next to her aunt who was busy hiding something. Her aunt was the only friend she had in the whole house, rest all were old people who cared about her yet weren’t interested in what she did the whole day!! Her aunt told her to bathe, they were going out for shopping that day, obediently she took a shower, came outside and saw a green skirt on the bed. She couldn’t hide her excitement. This was the same skirt that made her fight with her aunt. Her aunt had been working all night making this dress and when this little girl saw her making it, in anticipation asked her aunt if it was her b’day gift. Her aunt told her not to bother her, it was supposedly a petticoat. She had cried all night long only to find out in the morning that she was the rightful owner of the dress. She kept running here and there, that was the best birthday gift ever and she just loved it. Then she went out shopping.
The birthday like ordinary days came to an end except that she got a lot of gifts from the whole family. One by one she opened them all and with each gift that she opened her happiness tore away from her like the wrapping sheet. In the end when there were no more gifts left, she missed them... her parents! If only someone could get them home from somewhere, if only someone could make her talk to them but back then phones were a luxury and her grandparents never thought it was important enough to keep them. That night when all was alone and when her b’day was finally over she cried and cried, yet no one knew. That day she learnt not to make a noise about anything.
Then after a few days or months I specifically don’t remember the time but I remember witnessing a moment that brought a smile on her dry lips, I remember seeing her as someone different. For sometime I couldn’t believe it was the same girl. There was some problem with the transformer that day and there was no electricity in the whole neighbourhood so all of us were standing on our terrace playing. This little girl was standing on someone else’s terrace talking to an old aunty when her grandma called her back. Hesitantly she walked back inside the gate and saw two figures and then she saw her grandma holding a candle, she went closer to the figures and hugged them like mad. She smiled and laughed and kissed her parents. They were back to take her away with them. It was still dark inside and she could barely see them, then they gave her their present they gave her a beautiful pencil box that she cherished for a long time. Later that night they got up to leave again she was all set to go back with them but then they told her they’ll come back again after some days to take her home. They had their issues so she didn’t cry and saw them leave.
While they were making an exit she stepped onto the gate and started swinging on it again like everything was fine.......but deep inside..... She had become numb!!!
In psychology most of the things about us in the present have a strong connection back to the time when we were kids. Thus i assume till y’day there was a part of me that was absolutely dead but i let my heart open for the first time unexpectedly and said it all. I say a dozen things everyday that don’t affect me and what i spoke about, the other day was absolutely beyond my understanding, something totally unplanned something absolutely ridiculous but something that once was, that once happened. This is a kind of thank you note to people then and people today......
So the story goes back into the time when I was a little kid. I knew of a girl who had come to live near my grand ma’s place. She was a total loner someone with no friends all that she had was her grandparents. Her parents were away for a while and i really don’t remember her telling me she ever missed them but today i assume she did. I remember, she strolled around the big house all alone in the evenings and she never opened up in front of anyone. I saw her almost every day but she neither cried nor tried. She wasn’t at all mature yet there was something that made her different from the rest of the kids.
Then there came a day when all the kids were celebrating holi in the neighbourhood everybody had colour all over their bodies, everyone was laughing yet this little girl, absolutely clean, was swinging on the gate that made weird noises. She kept looking at everyone around and she had a smile on her face. Nobody knew but she was enjoying something... then one of the kids from the neighbourhood asked her if she wanted to play with them and then she said “it’s my b’day”. She had wanted a little celebration; after all she was a little kid. For the first time in ages she had missed her parents yet she didn’t tell a soul, she kept it all to herself and she didn’t know if she had to cry aloud to belch it out. She saw the drama and then went back inside the house and sat next to her aunt who was busy hiding something. Her aunt was the only friend she had in the whole house, rest all were old people who cared about her yet weren’t interested in what she did the whole day!! Her aunt told her to bathe, they were going out for shopping that day, obediently she took a shower, came outside and saw a green skirt on the bed. She couldn’t hide her excitement. This was the same skirt that made her fight with her aunt. Her aunt had been working all night making this dress and when this little girl saw her making it, in anticipation asked her aunt if it was her b’day gift. Her aunt told her not to bother her, it was supposedly a petticoat. She had cried all night long only to find out in the morning that she was the rightful owner of the dress. She kept running here and there, that was the best birthday gift ever and she just loved it. Then she went out shopping.
The birthday like ordinary days came to an end except that she got a lot of gifts from the whole family. One by one she opened them all and with each gift that she opened her happiness tore away from her like the wrapping sheet. In the end when there were no more gifts left, she missed them... her parents! If only someone could get them home from somewhere, if only someone could make her talk to them but back then phones were a luxury and her grandparents never thought it was important enough to keep them. That night when all was alone and when her b’day was finally over she cried and cried, yet no one knew. That day she learnt not to make a noise about anything.
Then after a few days or months I specifically don’t remember the time but I remember witnessing a moment that brought a smile on her dry lips, I remember seeing her as someone different. For sometime I couldn’t believe it was the same girl. There was some problem with the transformer that day and there was no electricity in the whole neighbourhood so all of us were standing on our terrace playing. This little girl was standing on someone else’s terrace talking to an old aunty when her grandma called her back. Hesitantly she walked back inside the gate and saw two figures and then she saw her grandma holding a candle, she went closer to the figures and hugged them like mad. She smiled and laughed and kissed her parents. They were back to take her away with them. It was still dark inside and she could barely see them, then they gave her their present they gave her a beautiful pencil box that she cherished for a long time. Later that night they got up to leave again she was all set to go back with them but then they told her they’ll come back again after some days to take her home. They had their issues so she didn’t cry and saw them leave.
While they were making an exit she stepped onto the gate and started swinging on it again like everything was fine.......but deep inside..... She had become numb!!!
Monday, August 3, 2009
SHE…..
She became the girl that she never was,
the one without those million flaws
She changed it all about the way she looked,
She threw away all the self help books
She made sure, she was around the crowd,
and managed well to keep her feet on the ground
She became a star for those who knew her less,
And she got it all coz she cared less
She’s the one with faces and a million layers,
She is new in town and an awesome player
Some love her and she loves them back
Some hate her and she’s fine with that.
She is the woman I love the most,
She survived the world after getting lost.
She wouldn’t give up coz u want her to
She wont struggle because you think she should,
She has her rules and she goes by them
Happy with her lot, her family and friends!
the one without those million flaws
She changed it all about the way she looked,
She threw away all the self help books
She made sure, she was around the crowd,
and managed well to keep her feet on the ground
She became a star for those who knew her less,
And she got it all coz she cared less
She’s the one with faces and a million layers,
She is new in town and an awesome player
Some love her and she loves them back
Some hate her and she’s fine with that.
She is the woman I love the most,
She survived the world after getting lost.
She wouldn’t give up coz u want her to
She wont struggle because you think she should,
She has her rules and she goes by them
Happy with her lot, her family and friends!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Heart no more!!!
I always knew there was a problem with my heart...... but never knew it was this sick! Just when life had again begun I came face to face with my worst fear, no matter how much i said or claimed, deep down I always knew I didn’t want to die and today when i know that there is no certainty of tomorrow I am scared...... shit scared! There are a few i know who are sad yet there would be some who would welcome the news...... I don’t know what my last moments would be like but i hope i just live them happily with those i love. I always knew i had a weak heart yet never literally thought about the weakness. Some more time and maybe that’ll be my last.
All this while when i acted emotional i guess rather than over reacting i should have seen some doc. Perhaps that ways i would have known about it much before. All those times i cried it wasn’t me it was my lame heart that’s just toooo sensitive. But what i love the most about this part is that i get to live the last few moments with those i love to the max, i don’t just die coz i have to but i live my best till that last day . Today i am surrounded with people i love and no matter what happened in the past or how bad my heart suffered because of it i know i get to live longer than i would have otherwise.....
Those heartaches weren’t coz of ppl, and nobody made it weaker......i may have to let go of it someday and then there would be a heart no more....
That sure as hell would be the hardest part but I am soooo not ready for a brand new heart....!!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
street dogs
I want a roof over my head when it’s either too hot or when it’s raining like hell. I want a huge lawn where I can play carefree of any accident. I want food that lasts a lifetime so that I don’t have to sleep hungry a day in my life. I want a bed that protects me from cold in the freezing winter nights and lastly I want someone who calls me his own, loves me like his child so that I’m alone no more; and I want the same for the millions of my like in this world.
I really don’t know as to how a stray dog feels yet I’m sure these are some of a few things that he would want. Daily I see a hundreds of them everywhere on the road. They look so weak and fragile and some are so scared that even if you try to feed them they run away. They’ve become the helpless morons of the society who are vaccinated constantly not for rabies but with some chemical that leaves them impotent so that they can’t bear puppies in the future. That is so human on our part, isn’t it? But imagine if people were dragged like them to the foul smelling clinics and injected for impotency how would it feel? I am so sure all the human rights activists will march down till the India gate to light candles, will demolish the clinics or will pass some extreme law; but then we are talking about the human right activists, they are taken seriously. Had it been for some animal rights activist he would have been ignored absolutely! That is not all we make such an issue when we cant have babies, we go through so much emotional fatigue everyday; can’t we think the same for the dogs? I really have no clue about how they feel but if we are born with a reproductive system no one has the right to take it away from us. I know some think I am overdoing it by writing some piece of crap about the social garbage of the society but remember people dog is the only faithful animal, and you need to have emotions to be so faithful, don’t you?
In fact this is not all I’ve seen young kids throw stones at dogs, imagine the sadists our society is breeding. It’s not their fault it’s our fault that we’ve chosen to become blind. There are a number of people who want to help yet they are called lunatics. Now some will say where a million of street kids don’t get to eat anything I’m troubling them for the street dogs but the point is that the kids at least speak, and you understand; not that it makes a difference to those who’ve already shut their eyes. Imagine the plight of a speechless animal who barks and ‘because you can’t understand what he is saying either hit him or shun him away. He can’t speak and he has no one to blame neither the society nor the government. He is the victim and to him most of us are the terrorists.
Hit and runs are so common in the news these days yet so many dogs are killed in accidents everyday, does anyone bother? Either people get a pleasure in doing so or they think dogs aren’t worth living; but then who gave them a right to decide? Why isn’t there a law for the protection of the dogs or the animals as such?
to be cont....
POST MODERN HISTORY
We are all civilized, or I must say over civilized. Our children need no toilet training since the time they are born, it’s innate, you see we are post modern.
We’ve crossed all limits of modernity, but what do our history books say? They talk about the third world war, the massive carnages that took place in the past the irregular governments, the rise of a new dictator, the fall of democracy. They talk about over indulgence, forgotten innocence. Some feelings will stay words, just words with no meaning to any person alive or dead. I just leaped into the future for a while and it looks bleak. Kids have guns for toys and teenagers have tanks for cars so that they don’t leave any trace of the people they happen to meet on the road accidentally.
This is post modernization, thank god all that I had to read was modern history and all this while I thought it was the worst to have happened to mankind. Thank god I won’t live to see the post modernizing era; or probably I won’t have to mug it up to belch it out in exams. Who wants to learn non-sense? That is how it sounds sheer non sense! Read the newspapers today and read about the
We don’t want another
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
MODERNITY Vs TRADITION
When modernity meets tradition, what happens?? One is labeled a rebel and the other digs in deep to gain recognition!
So much has changed over the years and today I seem to love the subject that I once despised so much. ‘History’, and it’s full of changes, and as somebody once said that those who study history make sure that it doesn’t repeat itself because many of us believe history repeats… that it’s a full circle! I lately saw this movie ‘The Last Samurai’ and really got nostalgic remembering the tokugawa’s, the chonins, the ronins, the chotsu, and the samurai’s. I kept wondering as to how the westernization under the garb of renaissance entered each and every household and threw out the once besotted culture and values; and it happened everywhere ignoring no spot on the world map. Discoveries that were supposed to find new lands led in discovering riches that were beyond the western world’s comprehension; this gradually made life severe for the natives.
‘They came, they saw, and they conquered’ and we like fools gave up. Gave up what we had preserved for years; our art, literature, and culture. Some of us sold our souls, turned into traitors and deceived our own people; but that kind of a behavior probably can be best understood by the theory of ‘the survival of the fittest’ by Charles Darwin. Most of the people turned traitors because they wanted to live for long, for as long as they could and the rest changed due to the inexplicable behavioral streaks that most of the humans have. The traditional art of warfare using swords, knives etc. that had won us many a battles succumbed to the bombs and guns and slowly the warrior died. He had no cause to live for, and whatever little reasons he had were not powerful enough to evoke the spirit of the revolutionary that once he was. The class of master less samurai’s who had lost their place in the normal loyalty pattern of Japanese feudal society started disrupting the so-called peace of the society knowing their wasn’t much to do.
Isn’t that ironical?? The irony is embedded in the fact that even though we weren’t ready for the changes we accepted them readily thinking that whatever the fair skin brought with it was as fair as them. If only the treaties could be fair and the wars scrupulous.
At times I feel that great scholars talk about reaching our roots; and I’m only left with one question that is, were my roots so weak that they gave away my country’s most precious treasures? A king gave away his crown, a warrior his sword and till date we are giving them the last bits of our priceless possession. Still I’m left with a question i.e. what is that we consider being traditional and what is modernization? We chose their ways of living then. I’m sure by now we must be pretty confused about our tradition. Who knows what it was in reality back then; those who could have given us an account must have become too rigid witnessing so many changes in their life. Do we still want to continue this debate? Do we still want to force our children into believing whatever we believed in? Can’t we let them be what they want to be? Time we gave them a chance to perceive things from their point of view.
I know my question is a little difficult to answer, it’s only debatable, and again like always will arise schools of thought. Some will support my point of view, the others will jeer at me and some will be absolutely clueless or will come up with a new perspective of which I won’t have an idea. That is why for the first time I feel I don’t need a school of thought to guide my actions. Not necessarily will I think wrong and like a situation where u can’t describe right or wrong I may end up finding an answer to this situation.
Maybe history won’t repeat itself but god knows as to how many more futile battles we will have to fight over a piece of no man’s land. I still wonder what it would have been like when we had swords in place of guns, parchments in place of diaries, and papyrus in place of paper. I still fancy the times when every soul had a spirit and god was one of the living; but the world came up with discoveries and inventions, renaissance and modernization. Then force met force and thrust met resistance, simple discoveries became obsessions. The order of the natives perturbed with the onset of colonialism. Today a lot of things have changed again yet somewhere the slave lives. I’ll wait for the day when the slave will rise above us to let its soul free. Or else we can only dig our roots to find an answer that we choose to believe in!!
So much has changed over the years and today I seem to love the subject that I once despised so much. ‘History’, and it’s full of changes, and as somebody once said that those who study history make sure that it doesn’t repeat itself because many of us believe history repeats… that it’s a full circle! I lately saw this movie ‘The Last Samurai’ and really got nostalgic remembering the tokugawa’s, the chonins, the ronins, the chotsu, and the samurai’s. I kept wondering as to how the westernization under the garb of renaissance entered each and every household and threw out the once besotted culture and values; and it happened everywhere ignoring no spot on the world map. Discoveries that were supposed to find new lands led in discovering riches that were beyond the western world’s comprehension; this gradually made life severe for the natives.
‘They came, they saw, and they conquered’ and we like fools gave up. Gave up what we had preserved for years; our art, literature, and culture. Some of us sold our souls, turned into traitors and deceived our own people; but that kind of a behavior probably can be best understood by the theory of ‘the survival of the fittest’ by Charles Darwin. Most of the people turned traitors because they wanted to live for long, for as long as they could and the rest changed due to the inexplicable behavioral streaks that most of the humans have. The traditional art of warfare using swords, knives etc. that had won us many a battles succumbed to the bombs and guns and slowly the warrior died. He had no cause to live for, and whatever little reasons he had were not powerful enough to evoke the spirit of the revolutionary that once he was. The class of master less samurai’s who had lost their place in the normal loyalty pattern of Japanese feudal society started disrupting the so-called peace of the society knowing their wasn’t much to do.
Isn’t that ironical?? The irony is embedded in the fact that even though we weren’t ready for the changes we accepted them readily thinking that whatever the fair skin brought with it was as fair as them. If only the treaties could be fair and the wars scrupulous.
At times I feel that great scholars talk about reaching our roots; and I’m only left with one question that is, were my roots so weak that they gave away my country’s most precious treasures? A king gave away his crown, a warrior his sword and till date we are giving them the last bits of our priceless possession. Still I’m left with a question i.e. what is that we consider being traditional and what is modernization? We chose their ways of living then. I’m sure by now we must be pretty confused about our tradition. Who knows what it was in reality back then; those who could have given us an account must have become too rigid witnessing so many changes in their life. Do we still want to continue this debate? Do we still want to force our children into believing whatever we believed in? Can’t we let them be what they want to be? Time we gave them a chance to perceive things from their point of view.
I know my question is a little difficult to answer, it’s only debatable, and again like always will arise schools of thought. Some will support my point of view, the others will jeer at me and some will be absolutely clueless or will come up with a new perspective of which I won’t have an idea. That is why for the first time I feel I don’t need a school of thought to guide my actions. Not necessarily will I think wrong and like a situation where u can’t describe right or wrong I may end up finding an answer to this situation.
Maybe history won’t repeat itself but god knows as to how many more futile battles we will have to fight over a piece of no man’s land. I still wonder what it would have been like when we had swords in place of guns, parchments in place of diaries, and papyrus in place of paper. I still fancy the times when every soul had a spirit and god was one of the living; but the world came up with discoveries and inventions, renaissance and modernization. Then force met force and thrust met resistance, simple discoveries became obsessions. The order of the natives perturbed with the onset of colonialism. Today a lot of things have changed again yet somewhere the slave lives. I’ll wait for the day when the slave will rise above us to let its soul free. Or else we can only dig our roots to find an answer that we choose to believe in!!
Monday, July 2, 2007
DOPPELGANGER
Crazy isn’t it??? Just being yourself…how many times have you faced the person u c everyday in the mirror??? And how many times do you answer her queries???....does she ask you if you’re beautiful or tells u that u are…..Well in case none of these then did she ever help u meet the person that u actually are???
I met her three years ago…found her pretty and really confidant. But the most appealing thing about that sweet face was her innocence and she won my heart instantaneously…. Kept meeting her day in and day out and today we’ve become great friends. We hardly fight; n we don’t even mind not spending time with each other… just that I know she’s my doppelganger………. She’s here to stay and will stay with me forever…
Every time I made a mistake I knew I really couldn’t face her. for she knew me so well, I know she wouldn’t say a thing but I really didn’t have the courage to tell her that I deliberately went wrong somewhere. She still loves me despite all odds yet she’s just my reflection….
She taught me to love myself so much so that I really didn’t realize that I had become selfish…. Just that one of these days I saw her and she made fun of me…. Well not really me but the person that I had become and I am just sorry that, I learnt my lesson wrong!!
So an apology to my great friend ….. I love you…….. n sorry for being selfish!!
I met her three years ago…found her pretty and really confidant. But the most appealing thing about that sweet face was her innocence and she won my heart instantaneously…. Kept meeting her day in and day out and today we’ve become great friends. We hardly fight; n we don’t even mind not spending time with each other… just that I know she’s my doppelganger………. She’s here to stay and will stay with me forever…
Every time I made a mistake I knew I really couldn’t face her. for she knew me so well, I know she wouldn’t say a thing but I really didn’t have the courage to tell her that I deliberately went wrong somewhere. She still loves me despite all odds yet she’s just my reflection….
She taught me to love myself so much so that I really didn’t realize that I had become selfish…. Just that one of these days I saw her and she made fun of me…. Well not really me but the person that I had become and I am just sorry that, I learnt my lesson wrong!!
So an apology to my great friend ….. I love you…….. n sorry for being selfish!!
WHY???? DO U REALLY WANNA KNOW???
It is like this coz I want it to b.......there r things under ma control n this is one of those things....if it bleeds to know d reality I’m ready to die for the truth!!! want it plain n simple not like the older times when I used to travel the whole galaxy trying to know things that I used to think were important, whereas at d end of d day I used to realize that I just wasted my time on things which hardly existed...I really didn’t dream.. Was kindaa too scared but today god knows what’s wrong?? If it comes to losing my sanity I’m really not scared...I’m no more sane ha-ha.. weird, but I like it like that 2 day, at least its teaching me a whole new page of this book called life...n I just love the way it keeps things hidden in its bosom ….it shows up only when it wants to…n its just crazy at times….
It killed me a million times before I actually started believing in life…it taught me to cherish the best n the worst moments of my life…best so that I know that I’m not alone worst so that I grow up stronger in solitude n FIGHT BACK!!
The moment I thought were my best at that time, today make me feel befuddled …..its k but coz I love those moments too….just that they too added some spice to my unadorned life…Hmmm…but there are some moments that I really miss a lot like being there….. doing it all myself…my reckless behavior. My who cares A(hhhh)TTITUDE that bothered many!!! I miss it all so much…. cause today I cant take a risk being that crazy, outlandish female again…..have to get ready for some donkeywork…I cant defy their rules and regulations…..so m I chained down??? Has some 1 put me under custody for the crime that I am bout to commit….nah nah nah
Its just me, m just doing it for the time being and if some one is happy…I’m ok with it coz at the end I know I’ll set myself free… right now I’m liking it all chained up…but depends, as to for how long…..coz with me u never know!!!
It killed me a million times before I actually started believing in life…it taught me to cherish the best n the worst moments of my life…best so that I know that I’m not alone worst so that I grow up stronger in solitude n FIGHT BACK!!
The moment I thought were my best at that time, today make me feel befuddled …..its k but coz I love those moments too….just that they too added some spice to my unadorned life…Hmmm…but there are some moments that I really miss a lot like being there….. doing it all myself…my reckless behavior. My who cares A(hhhh)TTITUDE that bothered many!!! I miss it all so much…. cause today I cant take a risk being that crazy, outlandish female again…..have to get ready for some donkeywork…I cant defy their rules and regulations…..so m I chained down??? Has some 1 put me under custody for the crime that I am bout to commit….nah nah nah
Its just me, m just doing it for the time being and if some one is happy…I’m ok with it coz at the end I know I’ll set myself free… right now I’m liking it all chained up…but depends, as to for how long…..coz with me u never know!!!
Sunday, July 1, 2007
PAGES FROM THE PAST....
PAGES FROM THE PAST
its all so different, so strange...the change of feelings....the journey from girlhood to womanhood. The change in feelings, the mixed emotions. The tears and the laughter. cant understand anything...what was I before I came to this uncouth place...an innocent female, a chick who was learning to fly. Not that this place has done things to the kid, but strange things happened and the kid gave away the best part of her life that I’ve lost it completely was so valuable to it......
As I relate to my earlier being I cant find . the thought still rankles in my mind, have I been too frivolous or have I done nothing to be ashamed of..... wasn’t too sure now m a sure that m not a kid anymore!!! and I profusely believe in ma statement....I’m not being namby-pamby here when I write all this.... as I shirk away the thoughts and as I try to recapitulate the good moments I feel ashamed of my temerity, I’ve innerved completely, and I have no questions to ask and no answers to give to myself. I look at my past and m happy then when I see the present I know that I’m happy in the present but I have no guts to look or rather think of a future....its all so bleak and undecided. That’s when I feel at times its ethereal and at the other times things and feelings have been so poignant...
I’m very much normal all day long but the uncanny feelings catch hold of my insecurities night and make me feel as if its an emotional wound that wont heal all my life...at times I feel there is a wall of glass between reality and practicality...reality as of now is too sweet and happy whereas practicality is always being solicitous as well as impudent and as I am an emotional freak I’m happy adhering with the reality....
I’m no whipper snapper when I say that I love him cause I actually love him!! Never in my life I felt so lonesome yet so occupied. It stirs up a storm of steamy memories and den a feeling of helplessness, what will I do without him?? Lots of things to do I know but my heart is sad........
TO BE CONT.....
its all so different, so strange...the change of feelings....the journey from girlhood to womanhood. The change in feelings, the mixed emotions. The tears and the laughter. cant understand anything...what was I before I came to this uncouth place...an innocent female, a chick who was learning to fly. Not that this place has done things to the kid, but strange things happened and the kid gave away the best part of her life that I’ve lost it completely was so valuable to it......
As I relate to my earlier being I cant find . the thought still rankles in my mind, have I been too frivolous or have I done nothing to be ashamed of..... wasn’t too sure now m a sure that m not a kid anymore!!! and I profusely believe in ma statement....I’m not being namby-pamby here when I write all this.... as I shirk away the thoughts and as I try to recapitulate the good moments I feel ashamed of my temerity, I’ve innerved completely, and I have no questions to ask and no answers to give to myself. I look at my past and m happy then when I see the present I know that I’m happy in the present but I have no guts to look or rather think of a future....its all so bleak and undecided. That’s when I feel at times its ethereal and at the other times things and feelings have been so poignant...
I’m very much normal all day long but the uncanny feelings catch hold of my insecurities night and make me feel as if its an emotional wound that wont heal all my life...at times I feel there is a wall of glass between reality and practicality...reality as of now is too sweet and happy whereas practicality is always being solicitous as well as impudent and as I am an emotional freak I’m happy adhering with the reality....
I’m no whipper snapper when I say that I love him cause I actually love him!! Never in my life I felt so lonesome yet so occupied. It stirs up a storm of steamy memories and den a feeling of helplessness, what will I do without him?? Lots of things to do I know but my heart is sad........
TO BE CONT.....
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
"CHANGE"
Wonder so many of them..... life had just begun , had started to live again when again it came to a standstill!!! know why coz everything changed.......................
wonder why people want me to change....is it dat m really bad or is it that all of us love changes....watever but the truth is dat i don want to change .....nd i never will, coz m comfortable bein wat i am n it only suffocates me more wen some1 forces me to become wat i'm not......
All raw and ratled....torn and and tattered......inside but i know someday i'll overcome it all....someday i'll be strong to accept the things as they are.....someday when no 1 will force me to change.......coz i'm a believer n i believe in myself!!!
Nothin in hand today nd so much to do.......lettin go of so many precious things i just dont want to.....still i want to win the race with no one
by my side........n i kno i still need the one's i've lost, but they're living somewhere with there wounded pride!!!
Changes..... so many of them!!
wonder why people want me to change....is it dat m really bad or is it that all of us love changes....watever but the truth is dat i don want to change .....nd i never will, coz m comfortable bein wat i am n it only suffocates me more wen some1 forces me to become wat i'm not......
All raw and ratled....torn and and tattered......inside but i know someday i'll overcome it all....someday i'll be strong to accept the things as they are.....someday when no 1 will force me to change.......coz i'm a believer n i believe in myself!!!
Nothin in hand today nd so much to do.......lettin go of so many precious things i just dont want to.....still i want to win the race with no one
by my side........n i kno i still need the one's i've lost, but they're living somewhere with there wounded pride!!!
Changes..... so many of them!!
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