Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Child Angel

Let your life come amongst them like a flame of light, my child,
unflickering and pure, and delight them into silence.

They are cruel in their greed and their envy,
their words are like hidden knives thirsting for blood.

Go and stand amidst their scowling hearts, my child,
and let your gentle eyes fall upon them like the
forgiving peace of the evening over the strife of the day.

Let them see your face, my child, and thus know the
meaning of all things, let them love you and love each other.

Come and take your seat in the bosom of the limitless, my child.
At sunrise open and raise your heart like a blossoming flower,
and at sunset bend your head and in silence
complete the worship of the day.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Sometimes it's just not enough for matter how sorry you are or how apologetic you may feel they will still find reasons to ruin it all for you; absolutely inconsiderate of the fact that somewhere even they were wrong.....
recently i read somebody's blog shown to me by a friend and yes i was pissed for sometime but then i guess some people will never grow up they will make the same mistakes and then completely blame the others....
i too have made mistakes and i have also blamed some but i also accept that somewhere i was also wrong... i wish i could correct those mistakes but ...., but yes i do pray everyday in my heart to bring in eons of happiness in the lives of those i hurt during my journey... in this life... i really cant do a cltr z here..otherwise things would be very different...
I am no angel; to some am a witch and honestly i have no problems with that at least they see me as pure evil...but my mistake was i was living a lie that i never knew existed and as i grow another year old i will still say sorry to everyone i hurt... that's all that i can say....
this may also be amusing to some and some may be thinking about what i am scheming next. some may even laugh it out aloud seeing a witch trying to turn into a saint but i guess m done keeping all that inside.... it was time i belched it out believe it or not...I am sorry!!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

long time back mom said,"when you grow as old as me you will know why i am soooo against everything that you do.... why i wont let you wear just anything, just why i wont let you stay out of house soooo late at nyt and why i wont let you date so early...."
her list continued and the other day when i held the kid for the first time in life i knew why she never let me do all that...... being a mother is not an easy thing and the responsibilities that come with motherhood are even more challenging!!!
but whatever....!!! it still feels amazing to hold the kid and see the future in her big blue eyes especially when you know you are going to live your childhood once again but sooooo mommy like :)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Hope is that bird that clings on to our soul when the world leaves us all alone. Most of the times it is the only word that keeps me moving, and all the time I am hoping for the best. You may have been bereft of all the things in life but the only thing that will stay with u through trying times is hope. It’ll sings to u n lift your spirits high. That’s when you’re ready to face any thing that comes your way, there is something deep down that motivates you to achieve the unattainable and that little thing is hope.

Till some time back, life had become so very insipid; I had no reason to live for thus hoping for the best, was the only thing I could do; the only problem was that I had no reason to hope for; then god gave me a reason in form of an angel.

I saw hope gleaming in his eyes and somewhere felt everything was going to be all right.
Don’t know as to how many of us hope for things all our lives. Some hope to live longer, some hope to win things they call conquests, desperately; some just hope to move on and some want the dead to live… the only thing that we don’t do at all is not hope. We do that almost every second minute… Life would be so insipid the day we do that; it would be the end of the world to not hope, imagine…!

You can see the inception of it in our very existence. As kids we begin hoping for things and when we grow up we still keep hoping, I guess that’s the only constant thing in life apart from change. Yet all our lives we hope to relive those moments of our life that made us the happiest then. Hope.. it’s such a soothing word. It is like water in a desert, food for the insatiable hunger, a thought to a creator, life to the dead and a reason for still keep dreaming of a better life. It’s just a four letter word yet there is something about it that overpowers our existence.

So I finish it here and for all those who think they’ve lost a lot of things in life, start looking at the brighter side of things. You may have lost everything but there is one thing that you will never lose; hope…. Keep hoping and you will get everything back someday, that’s the magic of HOPE!!

What was…was!

A countless pages turned,
Many a minutes burned
Every instance the same thought
I am trying to conceal that blood clot!
I am weary and my soul burns
Every moment waiting to return
To the person I was
However, the time is lost….

There is nothing from the past that
I want to connect with
Those were the insane moments
I had to live with….
But I won’t deny,
Somewhere still,
I remember the aged brick walls,
The ancient classrooms
And the random talks…

I still miss some,
And I feel really dumb
to have lost them to the crowd,
And this despicable cloud,
of memories again…..
and this excruciating pain,

In my dreams, I still see places,
I remember treading on a similar path,
I remember the mornings &,
I remember the dark.
Exactly the way it used to be
But now I know it is just a dream….

But if I lost it all
It wasn’t exactly my fault….
I still believe I am not the only guilty
I still believe I wasn’t all that wrong.
I did what was expected of me
I did it to make you happy
Nonetheless I hardly care
Today I live with no remorse or fear…

Thursday, January 21, 2010

so many of us go through heartbreak's daily.... so many forget to love...... so many fall in love all over again....soooo many in such a small world!!!

Thursday, October 29, 2009


The most difficult task in life is to understand someone’s behavior. At times there are so many facets attached to a person’s personality that even if you spend a life time with them you’ll still be left with eons to discover am just a little confused with the ways events take place in our lives. At times things just happen out of the blue the other times things just won’t work out no matter how many chances you take. Seems that even god has scheduled things with a certain target. The way he deals with a million situations when we have no way out and the way he puts us into them. Don’t know where I can find an answer to all such questions. No spiritual guru can answer my strange questions of course. They are so contradictory…. The moment I’m near to finding an answer to my questions the same unforeseen events take place changing my complete perceptions and in the end am left with absolutely nothing. There is no one I know I can look up to.
There are moments when you feel that you come in terms with life and the other moment you are so near to death that the meaning of the word life changes.
All my life I took life for granted and I still do! Every night I go off to sleep I assume that I have to wake up d next morning. So it’s a have to have to kind of a thing. As if living a life means doing a favor to god; but lately things changed again bringing me so near to death one day that the next day meant living a new life all over again. It feels good to live when otherwise I see people dying every other day. There are times when I really get scared, of death, of losing my loved ones, and I cry. I can’t stop the moments or change the course of life and I feel so helpless. Yet I find solace in that one sentence that my parents instilled in my mind that everything happens for good and that everything has a meaning. I only start finding new meanings and I come up with so many.
Bleeding heart drinks tears of pain, cries every moment lives life in vain. Keeps looking for a moment of solitude where it could escape the ravages of this world. No friend by its side no soul it wants to call its own.
I’ve almost given up, don’t want to seek any more answers and I don’t thing if anyone will be able to explain it all to me so I leave them here…. Why do people leave or why do we want them to stay with us forever. Why won’t we stop expecting things out of life and when will we stop cursing god for all the wrongs that happen to us. Things that perturb me so much may not be important to a million. I’m a futile thinker and would still keep thinking come what may, will still come up with many arbitrary time spending questions of which I wont have an answer nor will any one else.



Nobody is perfect yet we jeer at those we find inferior to us for whatever the reason may be… life becomes so ironical den when we despite knowing our incompetence’s mock at people, make their fun. I have done that myself many a times and I still do it at times deliberately only coz I want to wound their ego’s and satisfy mine; but d problem lies in d fact that I end up feeling more guilty every time, much more than before, then looking back at the years gone by I can only see d chasm between who I was and what I’ve become but that’s k…all of us change and so have I; but there r still people I can’t take and though I know I am not competing against them yet at times I laugh at our hollowness…We r so shallow deep down, trying to be what we aren’t at times only because we are trying to be a little different. Most of us are so confused that I guess we r walking with fake identities in our hands and every time we get a chance we just mould ourselves according to d situation that we r in…. The only identity I can identify with is that of a writer though not a serious one yet someone who can express herself and all that I can juggle with is words and I love them so much… at times writing a thought provoking thing gives me peace dat none other can bring.
Our moral science books have instilled it in our minds that we should accept our friends despite d differences yet when it comes to choosing a friend we make sure he/ she is perfect. The moral science books taught us everything on such a superficial level or perhaps all of us are born with this innate quality of choosing a mate according to our needs and we could never condition ourselves since our childhood. But I don’t belong to that race not that I’m perfect just that I have so much experience of dealing with so many kinds that I know. Probably that’s why I understand a lot of people and their intentions much before they act out themselves. I have an answer for everybody but only because I am supposed not to act out primitive in this sophisticated world I can’t shout it out aloud or make them hear my silence. These are times I act inert, times I go back to my shell and nothing or nobody can break it. Time to take a break!
Life has its own plans and like Shakespeare said” life is a stage and all of us playing our roles” I guess we are playing them too well… and all of us get the feedbacks also right here some mock at us and some love us…..and again I am left with another contradiction, perhaps that’s how things work and I guess it’ll always be like this, we’ll always chose out of the crowd the one that suits us the best like some designer dress that fascinates us for a while.
But why am I even writing it here it doesn’t make any sense, does it???



I look at the blank page and I feel that I have nothing fresh to pen down; and some are born with the same blank fate as this page some we see everyday and ignore at the same time. We look through them as if they don’t exist at all, life again!! Life is so full of ironies that everyday I discover a new irony n then ponder over it for a while n then stop thinking bout it ‘cause there is nothing much that I can do.
This page is dedicated to all those who don’t know how to read and write those who will never have an access to this page; in fact these people can’t differentiate words from numbers. All that they can do is slog themselves in the scorching heat, carry load like a donkey and never even by mistake have the pleasure of a roof above their head. Like wanderers they keep roaming from one place to the other in search of a living. Still I want to write about them because, I feel guilty every time I put a morsel of food in my mouth in front of them; but at the same time I feel I am so lucky.
I worked with the street kids for almost a year in an NGO and it was such an awakening experience, I grew up with those kids in more than one way, I started accepting them and in the same way they too started liking me. What I observed in each one of them was that they took more time in opening up than I did, and when they did each one of them had a different tale of misery. They had so much to say, and so many stories to tell, every learning experience came as a shock to me. Some were abused, some were forced into begging, some had no idea of the whereabouts of their parents and some were forced into motherhood. That’s the dark side of life that we try to ignore most of our lives. All that we do is call them names and abuse them. Treat them like dust but why???
There is nothing to write in which will do well to people. No one will ever get anything reading my article and all that I wonder is that how many years will it take me to reach the target that I have set for myself. How many more years will I take to help those I want to. I feel sad when I see them begging, and I still don’t give them a penny, don’t know if I should! Can no one change their destiny or will they always beg? Sleeping on the road in a chilling winter night is not something that we can do; we are exposed to so many comforts in life and we get so use to them that we despise the fate less. We look down at them and they curse us. I guess that’s the order but why can’t we change it??
I really hope that some day all of us realize that there is more to living than living for ourselves. Can’t we just look at the kids like they were our own; say a word or two of kindness that will bring a smile to their face? They don’t want our pity but love.
Smile at them, hold their hand …..Walk with them for a while and you will realize you were living a pseudo life. They’ll teach you what most of the books won’t. they are the survivors, they’ll teach you how to live!!



Is this again an order of the universe that people would keep acting funny come what may?? They don’t understand a lot of things and they expect you to tell them everything all the time… CRAP!! I don’t buy that people can act so ignorant; they of course understand but then who wants to make it obvious. I’ve said a million things a million times; a million things ignored all this while. I’ve had enough of it all and I’m giving it away…. I’m done! No more telling them and no more explaining my actions.
Time to act inert and time I hibernate for a while. The more importance you give to them, the more they ignore you. N it’s not that the whole world would do this, but only those you love!
They proclaim their love for you maybe they do but then why do they have to hurt you all the time; they may say it’s not done deliberately but most o the time it is the case and u cant do anything coz u have nothing to prove to them. Love comes with its own unconditional aspects…. Bullshit!! Where is it that, there are no conditions?? U talk about letting your loved ones go away… it’s like, if they loved you they’ll come back and if they don’t they never were yours ….. How many of us readily accept our loss?? If it’s the love that we seek and we know that we found a friend as well as a lover for life in that love, how many of us readily give up?? In fact how many of us are ready to wait….

There are so many times people take you for granted, especially those you love. Friends most of the times are more important than love. Fuck it ya!! I’m so off today, and I can’t help it… I’m still trying to understand why people can’t make the right choices, why do they have to be so confused, why can’t they understand what they want out of life? It actually smothers me deep down when I face it all the time.
Today I again want to be left all alone… don’t want any one…. Uff have had enough of diplomacy and enough of sugar coated tablets. Want some time for my dreams n my non existent world that doesn’t hurt me as much as these people I call my own. Lately there hasn’t been a day when my heart didn’t cry, and it’s all been my fault, my id took over me…


She is there right there, where u left her,
Her heart still broken,
Mind ill at ease….
I smile at her n she wanes away.
She disappears behind the thick clouds of insecurity.

I try to speak to her and she shuns me away,
She runs and hides herself.
And she keeps talking about some monster..
It seems she has lost it for good

She is distressed I can see
And as she tells me the tales of her misery
She feels I would also not believe.
What she won’t understand,
Is that we share the same proximity.

I know the monster she is so scared of,
I know what he has done and,
I believe that he exists,
Coz I was in his seize once
I chose to walk off but I guess,
She stayed too long…

He’ll know when he reads this,
With no shame on his face,
While she’ll take ages to,
Get over this despicable phase.

I Will Not Be Broken!!

There is always a day in the fortnight when you know it’s just not yours! You may go against the odds, or do whatever you can to make it seem worth living but still it’ll be so poignant that you’ll start doubting yourself. But that is ‘one’ day, you have to live through it, you have to make choices and stick to them. No matter how worse the outcome is you still have to smile ‘cause that is life. You don’t stop living ‘cause some one thinks you’re not worth it or you don’t stop breathing if some one literally chokes you to death.

Well this was something written by me for me. Imagine I am trying to soothe myself. I am going through things and I am trying really hard to be strong. There are times when I just want to walk out of the door to never come back again. There are times when I so want to scream out aloud and tell everyone that they aren’t right. And they are trying to make that one day an integral part of my life by recreating it again and again and it becomes impossible for me.

Still I won’t give in to anything or anyone! I’ll stay alive and I wont let it affect me in anyway, it is sort of a pledge but I wrote it here so that I can see it almost everyday and know that I’ll be able to cope with just anything in my life.

Nemesis in a friend

If I am a little better, I will do it all over again,

It may sound funny to you, but it will save me the pain.

The pain of knowing a friend backstabbed me

Is too much to carry to the grave,

But before I am dead I’ll substantiate

You were not at all my mate!

I’ll just turn back the clock

Will go back take a walk,

Find out the wrongs that I did,

All the times I didn’t live…..

But don’t you fucking judge me,

Because, I know that I am not wrong

I may have made mistakes doesn’t mean

I have to suffer for so long

I was acting smart like most of you

And unlike you, I bared it all

You saved yourself

You hid it well

I was imprudent thus bid farewell

I wasn’t me,

And you weren’t you

We were not friends

But lord knows what?

I did have flaws and you liked me more

Gave you enough reasons to not get bored

We took our chances

And I lost at most

Now it doesn’t surprise me

Why u were always so composed

I expected more,

Maybe a little hug

And what you gave me,

Was a rancorous curse…..

It lingered on…..

And it made me weak,

The same thought everyday,

‘Why did you leave?’

I thought I made mistakes,

But today I know,

I was guilty for nothing

It wasn’t my fault.

Today I feel relieved

I wont have to know you

Today I am happy

Because I have the answers,

Today I am free and I can live

Without guilt or remorse

Because today I only lost a nemesis in a friend

The one I don’t need!!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The little girl in a green skirt....and the gate that once was!!!

It’s been only a few days that I confessed about this thing to someone very important to me and now i will let the world see glimpses of what i once saw as a kid.... i saw her, the little girl and only yesterday i confessed about the green skirt that i forgot way back.....
In psychology most of the things about us in the present have a strong connection back to the time when we were kids. Thus i assume till y’day there was a part of me that was absolutely dead but i let my heart open for the first time unexpectedly and said it all. I say a dozen things everyday that don’t affect me and what i spoke about, the other day was absolutely beyond my understanding, something totally unplanned something absolutely ridiculous but something that once was, that once happened. This is a kind of thank you note to people then and people today......
So the story goes back into the time when I was a little kid. I knew of a girl who had come to live near my grand ma’s place. She was a total loner someone with no friends all that she had was her grandparents. Her parents were away for a while and i really don’t remember her telling me she ever missed them but today i assume she did. I remember, she strolled around the big house all alone in the evenings and she never opened up in front of anyone. I saw her almost every day but she neither cried nor tried. She wasn’t at all mature yet there was something that made her different from the rest of the kids.
Then there came a day when all the kids were celebrating holi in the neighbourhood everybody had colour all over their bodies, everyone was laughing yet this little girl, absolutely clean, was swinging on the gate that made weird noises. She kept looking at everyone around and she had a smile on her face. Nobody knew but she was enjoying something... then one of the kids from the neighbourhood asked her if she wanted to play with them and then she said “it’s my b’day”. She had wanted a little celebration; after all she was a little kid. For the first time in ages she had missed her parents yet she didn’t tell a soul, she kept it all to herself and she didn’t know if she had to cry aloud to belch it out. She saw the drama and then went back inside the house and sat next to her aunt who was busy hiding something. Her aunt was the only friend she had in the whole house, rest all were old people who cared about her yet weren’t interested in what she did the whole day!! Her aunt told her to bathe, they were going out for shopping that day, obediently she took a shower, came outside and saw a green skirt on the bed. She couldn’t hide her excitement. This was the same skirt that made her fight with her aunt. Her aunt had been working all night making this dress and when this little girl saw her making it, in anticipation asked her aunt if it was her b’day gift. Her aunt told her not to bother her, it was supposedly a petticoat. She had cried all night long only to find out in the morning that she was the rightful owner of the dress. She kept running here and there, that was the best birthday gift ever and she just loved it. Then she went out shopping.
The birthday like ordinary days came to an end except that she got a lot of gifts from the whole family. One by one she opened them all and with each gift that she opened her happiness tore away from her like the wrapping sheet. In the end when there were no more gifts left, she missed them... her parents! If only someone could get them home from somewhere, if only someone could make her talk to them but back then phones were a luxury and her grandparents never thought it was important enough to keep them. That night when all was alone and when her b’day was finally over she cried and cried, yet no one knew. That day she learnt not to make a noise about anything.
Then after a few days or months I specifically don’t remember the time but I remember witnessing a moment that brought a smile on her dry lips, I remember seeing her as someone different. For sometime I couldn’t believe it was the same girl. There was some problem with the transformer that day and there was no electricity in the whole neighbourhood so all of us were standing on our terrace playing. This little girl was standing on someone else’s terrace talking to an old aunty when her grandma called her back. Hesitantly she walked back inside the gate and saw two figures and then she saw her grandma holding a candle, she went closer to the figures and hugged them like mad. She smiled and laughed and kissed her parents. They were back to take her away with them. It was still dark inside and she could barely see them, then they gave her their present they gave her a beautiful pencil box that she cherished for a long time. Later that night they got up to leave again she was all set to go back with them but then they told her they’ll come back again after some days to take her home. They had their issues so she didn’t cry and saw them leave.
While they were making an exit she stepped onto the gate and started swinging on it again like everything was fine.......but deep inside..... She had become numb!!!